Even though I know beyond any shadow of a doubt I can’t be Helena… I even know I have to be consciousness/awareness because there’s nothing else I can be. I still think and write like her in spades; like you just pointed out at our last satsang.
I think maybe considering the above I might be self realized but I’m definitely not self actualized. I don’t know how to get there other than listening to James’s talks and self-inquiring ad nauseum, which I’m doing. If you have any more suggestions I’m definitely open. I find this part of the journey very frustrating and exhausting!
It sounds like you are on the right track. It just takes time. The old conditioning is deeply ingrained. Or, to put it in terms of analogy that you’ve probably heard James use, it takes awhile for the blades of the fan to stop spinning once the fan has been unplugged.
In light of your last comment, perhaps whenever you feel frustrated or exhausted “step back” and notice who is witnessing the frustration and exhaustion that Helena is experiencing. This might help you see that you already are at the “destination” you are intending to reach. In other words, you already are the awareness out of which all the experiences are arising, in which they are abiding, and back into which they are subsiding. Understanding this allows you to play your role as the apparent person while simultaneously appreciating your true identity as awareness.
All the best,